ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
