I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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