we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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