And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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