hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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