He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i think my cat just said my name.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
