I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
