fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
did you just send me my own nude
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
