Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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