What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
