I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
