just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
