I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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