Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
