1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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