I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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