Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
