I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This baby is an asshole
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
