she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
