Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Randomize
