My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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