i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
