I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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