im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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