pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
zippers are such a cool invention
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
