look no pants
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How's work?
Spinning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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