Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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