I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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