my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
