What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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