My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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