So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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