I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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