I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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