Whod you bang
i would punch a child for taco bell
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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