Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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