Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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