do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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