I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
