watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
