My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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