I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize