Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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