I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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