It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
