You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
