I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
