he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
