Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize