I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
