I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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