WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
from now on my penis is your penis
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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