I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
