WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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