Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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