Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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