I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
