from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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