when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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