Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
