First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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