gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
