All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
