They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
